Consent and boundaries
Consent is not limited to relationships. At its core, it is about respecting boundaries. Assuming everyone is comfortable with what we are comfortable with is the wrong starting point, especially in workplaces shaped by hierarchy and power.
In the past, I have discussed consent from the viewpoint of power and consensual relationships. However, the question that still remains is what is consent and is it applicable to only people in relationships?
Often, our understanding of consent focuses or is limited to "No Mean No" and "Yes Means Yes". However, consent is much more complex than that. Our relationship circle includes not just our partners but also our families, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers.
There are a lot of threads that tie these relationships together and help us define them. Some of them include our values, our interests, our past experiences, our geographical and even our cultural circumstances. For e.g., in some cultures, greeting someone with a hug is perfectly natural, while for someone else, it can be an extremely uncomfortable experience.
To me, consent is as simple as respecting boundaries - whether it is with a family, children, friend, or a colleague.
For e.g., if a guest refuses a second cup of tea, do we force it on them? During a party, if someone refuses to come to the dance floor or have a drink, do we accept it or force them to do something that they are not comfortable with?
When we ask our kids to perform in front of guests, do we seek permission from the child if they are okay or not, or should we even seek permission from them? Isn't respecting boundaries important here and if it doesn't exist, shouldn't it exist?
Creating and maintaining boundaries is a very crucial and important part of healthy relationships. Assuming that everyone is comfortable with what we are comfortable with, is the wrong starting point.
Our boundaries with our personal connections versus our professional relationships may be different. Even among them, the degree of boundaries may vary. For e.g., our immediate family members may enjoy different boundaries compared to our distant relatives. Similarly, you may have different boundaries with your colleagues versus your supervisor.
The concept of consent and boundaries also becomes confusing because of how society functions in terms of hierarchy and the messages we get from popular culture. For e.g., the Indian film industry has normalised stalking. Often, Indian film heroes pursue a girl, take her picture without her consent, stalk her - all under the pretext of romance. What the film industry fails to recognise is that stalking is a criminal offence.
Consent and respecting boundaries are inter-related. It basically means asking the person before we cross certain boundaries. These boundaries can be (but not limited to):
- Physical boundaries related to personal space,
- Intimate boundaries related to touch,
- Information boundaries related to sharing someone’s data or sharing certain data with them, and
- Linguistic boundaries related to the kind of language we use for or around the person.
Discussion around consent and boundaries forms an integral part of my workshops. A lot of discussion is centred on understanding consent and its implications on sexual harassment, especially when there is a power imbalance and what are some of the red flags to look out for?