A personal story and how to be ally to survivors of sexual violence
Sexual violence often carries a deep sense of shame that keeps survivors silent for years. When someone shares their story, believing them, listening without judgement, and respecting their choices are the first steps to being a true ally and creating safer workplaces.
In this edition of #todayinposh I want to share a personal story with you.
I was 5-6 years old when I was sexually violated for the first time. This was the mid 80s and I had gone to an amusement park with my parents and sister. The day was ending and we had decided to have ice cream. I was standing just behind my parents when this person came out of nowhere and groped me.
I was 5-6 years old.
The only thing that I remember from this incident was: 1st, the smirk on his face and; 2nd the fear that if I say anything to my parents, I will get a scolding.
And I kept quiet. I knew something wrong had happened to me and yet, I kept quiet and pretended that everything was normal. It took me years to describe the feeling that I felt at that time.
It was SHAME.
We start developing the feeling of shame from a very early age. As we grow, this feeling becomes more pronounced. And often, this feeling of shame prevents most survivors of sexual violence from coming forward with their stories. We are embarrassed, ashamed, filled with self doubt and constantly question ourselves whether I did something wrong.
The reason I am sharing this story is because it takes immense courage for someone who has faced sexual violence to share it with someone else. Therefore, if someone comes to you with their story, please know that they have already gone through a myriad of emotions - self-doubt, confusion, hurt, anger, embarrassment, shame, fear etc.
However, as an ally, there are various ways in which you can support them:
- Believe them: Believing them is the first step to being an ally. Survivors are already struggling emotionally to deal with what has happened with them and it takes a lot of courage to come forward to tell and retell what has happened with them. As allies, we should not question them. Questioning does not only mean questioning the validity of their stories. It also includes victim blaming.
- Listen to them: Listen to survivors’ stories. Listening is often the easiest yet most crucial thing we as allies can do. Your job as an ally is to listen, not to investigate! This is about them, not you.
- Show support: Show them that you care for them. However, do not downgrade it by saying things could have been worse. No, not all sexual violence is equally severe, but all forms are deeply harmful to the victim. Saying their trauma was less significant because of the physical form it took can prove harmful.
- Speak up: If you have the capacity, speak up. Intervene. Stop it from happening. You can try to speak to the survivor and ask her/him how they would like to be helped.
- Do not take unilateral action: You may think that reporting the assault is an obvious step, but the decision is not yours to make. Some people prefer not to report. For many, the process is too painful and not worth reliving their trauma. You may not agree with this choice, but you must respect it.
Last, make your workplace safer.